THE PARABLE OF THE TREE AND HIS SOLDIERS

 

He was a beautiful tree.

He was in the shape of a cross.

I built him a castle to protect him.

I summoned a thousand soldiers to protect him.

 

A thousand soldiers summoned me.

 

I gave my heart to the tree.

In the sun I danced around his trunk.

In the rain I lay sheltered beneath his leaves.

In the wind I sang out his name

 

So that the whole world could hear.

 

And when the people passed

I stopped them just to tell them about my tree.

I showed them the water—the river—

The moat that swam

 

As if alive around the tree.

 

The water was pure and fresh as the first snow

And the fruit of the tree was always ripe for picking and eating.

And the people were thirsty and hungry,

Yet many wanted no water from the river or fruit from the tree.

 

And those who did not eat lay down; and those who did not drink died.

 

So the dead and the living dead lay and walk

Just beyond where the light of the sun touched.

And the tree, he began to cry,

His tears so great that they flooded the land

 

As we lay sheltered in his branches and in his leaves.

 

So the earth washed anew.

And it was beautiful.

And the tree was beautiful.

And we were not.

 

So there I stood

 

Back on solid earth before the tree.

And I was trying to think of some worthy act I had done.

And all I could think of was that castle I had built for him

Before his tears washed it away.

 

“I made you a castle,” I said.

 

“Yes, I know,” said the tree;

“But why did you make me a castle?”

I didn’t really know.

“To honor you?” I guessed.

 

The tree laughed, something like a chortle.

 

“My soldier, my child,

You danced around me in the sun;

You lay in my shelter in the rain;

You sang out my name in to the wind;

You ate my fruit; you drank my water.”

“And that was enough?” I asked.

“No,” said the tree;

 

“Your heart was enough.”

WHITE WALLS

White walls, white walls,

Blind and smother.

God, my God,

Shall they keep me forever?

 

It is not clear how I got here;

I woke alone in the night

In a different bed than where I laid my head

On any previous night.

 

I closed my eyes to distant cries

And to the dark figures—three, four, five;

I closed my eyes and turned away, but they stayed,

Prodding to see whether I was dead or alive.

 

Cries and screams filled my dreams

And in them, every day, I drowned.

I reached for my ears, aroused by my fears,

But something held me down.

 

I looked to my left, my right, my extremities bound tight—

A sensation in my spine like a day-old chill;

Screaming! but I was hushed, my face flushed,

Every shadow and hint of life gone still.

 

“Please God, I am sorry! Please God, forgive me!

I have done many things I regret wholeheartedly;

Many things foul—I cannot name them all now—

But if You are the Most Merciful and Most Terrible God, I am sorry!”

 

Alas the demons flew fast,

Swarming round and round my head;

I heard not a sound, not a word

As I waited for them with dread.

 

“Oh God, please forgive me in all Your Mercy!

Why have I awakened tonight?

Night of dark! of light!

Of smothering walls of white!

 

“Oh God, release me! Have mercy!

Release me! Forgive me!

Please open this door, Lord, to Your

Heaven and Grace and Harmony.

 

“I do not deserve anything, not an angel, not a wing—

But please, God! Please!

If I could I would

Kneel naked before You on my knees.”

 

I heard no answer. I was alone. I am alone.

My voice is silent and my footprints vanish in the ground.

I hear no God—in His stead demons fly overhead.

Forever, forever, I am bound.

 

I let go of everything I know

And I close my eyes, close them tight.

I wonder what past damned me to this fate—I ask!

But I dream of nothing, only walls, walls of white.

 

Now, I say, the demons quiet down all around

And by degrees—gradually—I open my eyes;

I glance towards the walls, the floor, the door

Where dark shadows slowly arise.

 

There is a rapping at my door: once, twice, thrice.

The hinges creak open; nothing.

Thought I: “’Tis not God who has heard my cry—

For it is the devil such a place will bring.”

  

’Twas death and she spoke to me; quoth she:

“Time is Time—pay it, pay it well,

And when the time hath come, thou shalt succumb,

And then perhaps we shall see whether ’tis straight to hell.”

 

Her face was cast in mist, but she obtained a certain bliss

When she smiled and waved her hand;

And her finger pierced my chest, marking me less

I should shed my sins of man.

 

I admitted no fault and she did exult

In the addition of a single soul,

Her collection growing one by one

In this place she had claimed in whole.

 

Then death disappeared and every trace of her cleared

Except for her shadow cast over me,

And amid the darkness I made one final request:

Death, usher me to your black, black sea.

 

In the dead hour of the night, in the strange illumination of white,

A last wing’s flutter was lost to soundlessness,

And I did quiver at the thought of he who might come to slither

Beyond my walls no Holy figure would bless.

 

The door opened in a lash, but there was nor breeze nor crash;

A man stepped in whose eyes and face had lost their color.

He made no shadow in the light, nor any footprint in the white,

And he changed again as his features ran together.

 

’Twas life and death and he spoke to me; quoth he:

“Dost thou knowest why the black birds crow?

Serrated beaks soar high in midnight skies

And they come upon thee slow.”

 

By degrees, one black bird made himself heard

And the man’s heavy eyes lowered, yellow and watery;

He was sorrowful in that terribly slow

Way he spoke to me.

 

“Dost thou knowest why the wet things sing

When the rotting do rise from the very deep?

Claws at the ready, they spread jaws of glee

And catch thee swimming in thy sleep!”

 

And then he vanished once more soundlessly out the door,

And I closed my eyes and prayed,

No curse like the despair of the cursed man’s glare

Who between life and death is stayed.

 

I prayed and I prayed

But my voice fell silent beyond my own bed,

And the devil came to me too, all draped in dark blue—

Oh God! how could You send him in Your stead?

 

He sat in a chair and I had no prayer

When he sighed and drew in close;

I hid my tears and shown no fear

As the demons drew in close.

 

“You have not touched your supper or sipped your tea,” said he,

And he pointed to an empty tray.

“I will have to take you now,” he avowed.

“I will have to take you away.”

 

Thus with one finger he lifted me,

My feet dangling high above the floor;

And with one finger he ordered me

Behind another white, white door.

 

Directly now, directly into a brand new

White, white room with my arms and legs bound.

Directly now, directly into the blue

Where the devil smothers every scream, cry and sound.

 

“You cannot run or hide or escape my side,”

Said the devil, and he made sure we were alone—

Alone, alone, no one to save me, no one to see—

He pierced my eyes, and sighed, a deep, deep groan.

 

In that dark and dreary room a single clock made an awful tick, tock.

Louder! louder! louder! louder! —even the sane would have gone insane—

And at least I knew the time of day, or the length of my stay,

Till all of the hands suddenly rearranged.

 

And then no sound, no sound at all, suddenly my restraints unbound;

And no devil, no devil either, I stretched my legs silently.

But the flocking demons overhead kept me in my bed

And how I watched them, oh, so cautiously.

 

“Begone! Begone! You devil spawn!”

I screamed with all my power;

And I swung my fists but always missed

Every demon every hour.

 

I did not see the devil come in with his terrible grin

And his empty tray,

But when he gnashed his teeth I held no belief—

I closed my eyes and prayed.

 

“Forsaken am I! I cry! I cry!

Forgive me, God! Forgive me!

I will take back, at last, all the sins of my past—

Show me! Show me! for I am blind and cannot see!”

 

And I am too young, too old, to feel this bitter cold;

But I have nothing—the day beyond me is his.

I clasp my hands and pray for another day;

But the day beyond me is his.

 

“God! God! Where are You, God?

I changed this faith, and You changed again.

God! God! Where are You, God?

I changed, every feature, but You abandoned all Your children.

 

“And when You walk the halls of these white walls

How many times do You pause? How many, I wonder,

By Your children’s cries and bleary eyes?

Perhaps my prayers are my greatest blunder.”

 

Oh! I wonder why You cannot hear my cry—

But how could You up there in Heaven?

Oh! the clock still makes an awful tick, tock,

And the hands are resting firmly on seven.

 

Little teeth gnash, little wings flash—

I am cursed without rest;

I am cursed twice, at the thought, cursed thrice

Till that God above finally says, “Child, you are blessed.”

 

“My child, my child,

Fear not these hours,”

A voice speaks softly to me

Like wild yellow flowers.

 

A White Angel appears, and disappears.

It was His alone to save me today—

Oh, how I wish! how I wish!

He would have stayed.

 

Every day, every day I pray

The devil will return no more,

But every day with his empty tray

The devil thrusts through the door.

 

God, how long the days where the devil plays!

And the nights! oh, if only I could cry

I would count my tears one by one

And build a staircase to Your Heaven Sky.

 

Alone, alone, all, all alone,

Where the devil is my only guest;

White, white, everywhere, nor any trace of light

Till a deep void opens in my breast.

 

“God, God, if You only knew this devil dressed in blue,

These demons in my ears and in my head;

If You only knew how they come pecking through

In a burnt black sea of red.

 

“And I cannot dream anymore for fear of that door,

Lying with my eyes open wide, open wide!

To the devil who returns to me so subtly,

Leaving his empty tray by my side.

 

“God, please now, hear my vow:

Do not forget me, and nor I, You.

And I will repent by the Son You sent—

Do not forget me! and neither I, You!”

 

“Cannot sleep! cannot sleep! rest deep! dream deep!”

Quoth the demons in each ear.

“Fear the devil! Fear! He is near! He is near!

Fear the devil! Fear! He is here!”

 

“Count your blessings! Count your blessings!”

The door of my room opened wide.

“For you shall not soon forget, in my hands your fate is set!”

Said the devil upon his red, red tide.

 

Now there is such a light ahead—O dread! O dread!

For it rests over the devil’s sea of red.

I step with one foot, slowly into the sea,

Feeling each and every sin shed.

 

I step beside the devil and our eyes meet. I do not retreat;

I do not cower; I do not quake.

I walk on; not a word; not a sound; not a shiver heard!

I walk on till the sea is but a quiet lake.

 

Quiet lake, quiet lake,

Every prayer from you is released,

And the God above shows His love

For both man and bird and beast.

 

Quiet lake, quiet lake,

I sail in your wide, wide blue,

All the angels high above in the Heaven Sky,

Where only one I knew.

 

And every time I looked at Him today, I heard Him say:

“My child, my child, fear not these hours.”

And every time I looked at Him today, He saved me

With His touch, like a wild yellow flower.

 

Yellow flower, yellow flower,

I plant you in every garden, every day,

Till you are no longer mine to sow

And God has come to stay.

 

DEAR FRIEND

Dear friend,                                                                        LETTER VI

To God I have given all things

Such that I cannot bear:

My sorrow,

My loneliness,

My breath.

I have given him the day before me

And the day behind.

I have given him the creation of my hand

Lest I no longer create.

Yet when I fall in love

With everyone I meet

So as to die ten

Thousand times for them,

I kept it for myself.

And came to find

That a thousand loves

Is heavier than a thousand hates;

So my love I gave

On to God

Lest my heart be broken into

A million little pieces.

As it is

When I think of you.

Your Brother